Sunday, June 21, 2009
My Father's Day Wish
I have been asked for the past 20 years what I want for Father’s Day and my standard reply has always been, “just the love and company of my wonderful wife and children”. I’ve decided, after years of receiving thoughtful yet silly Father’s Day presents, what I really want for “my day”. It would be the proverbial “gift that keeps on giving”. I would like a monkey.
Not a large monkey, just a small monkey, like one of those carnival monkeys that do tricks while his owner plays a music box. It would have to be a trained monkey of course, similar to the monkeys that are taught to help quadriplegics. I wouldn’t want an evil monkey like the one in the “Monkey Shines” movie, but something on that idea.
You’re probably thinking, “Why don’t you just get a dog or a cat?” Well, because dogs are stupid and lazy. Cats are smarter, but don’t have any respect for their owners. No, it would have to be a monkey, for sure. Monkeys are smart and know how to perform important tasks. Like, I could say, “hey Shitbird (that would be my monkey’s name), go get me a beer”, and he would know how to open the refrigerator, grab a beer, open it and bring it to me on the couch. It would have to be a male monkey, that way we would understand each other. If I got mad and said, hey “you stupid bitch you forgot to open the beer”, he would understand, being male, that I really don’t think he’s stupid and he’s obviously not a bitch. Monkeys don’t make much noise either, which is a good thing, and they don’t talk back. Shitbird wouldn’t be able to say, “why don’t you go fuck yourself you lazy prick and get your fat ass off the couch”. Instead, he would simply and quietly go get my beer.
Another important task Shitbird would be able to perform is finding the clicker. When I sit down on the couch and don’t immediately see the clicker, I’d yell, “hey Shitbird, where the fuck is the clicker” and he’d scurry about until he retrieved it and gave it to me. The same would go for my keys. I’d say something like, “oh, who took my fuckin keys” and before you know it, Shitbird would show up with the keys.
Shitbird would like to do all the things I like to do like watch T.V. We could watch reruns of The Terminator over and over and watch all the Red Sox games no matter how far ahead they were and if he fell asleep I’d throw peanut shells at him until he woke up and he wouldn’t complain, he’d just eat them.
I would also be able to scold my monkey and he wouldn’t take it personally when he didn’t do something quite right. I’d be able to say things like “what moron opens a fresh loaf of bread and doesn’t close it up tight when they’re done” and “who’s the fuck-nut that left the milk on the counter”, and in each case, Shitbird would sheepishly sit and take the punishment. If I was sitting on the toilet and there wasn’t any toilet paper, I could yell “who in the fuck used the last of the shit paper” and Shitbird would come crawling in with a new roll.
I would be able to blame my monkey for things too. Like the cell phone bill. I would scream at him, “if you go over your minutes one more time I’m gonna jamb the cell phone so far up your ass your whole body will vibrate every time one of your retarded friends calls you” and he would look at me and smile understandingly. When we were riding in the car I would be able to say “if you don’t shut the fuck up I’m gonna wrap that seat belt around your throat” and Shitbird would still be happy to be riding with me.
I could also teach my monkey to annoy people. If I was standing in line at the ice cream shop and some bratty little kid was being a nuisance, Shitbird could give him the finger and I’d say, “oh, I’m sorry, I don’t know where he learned that”. If a salesman came to the house and tried to sell me something I would have Shitbird throw ice cubes at him while he tried to make his sales pitch and say “gee, he’s usually not like this, maybe you should leave before he bites you”.
Just me and my monkey; life would be a carnival.
POSTED BY STAN at June 21, 2009
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